This is the part about having BPD I hate the most.
Current situation; About 2 hours ago, the BF told me he was going to get the car washed and his hair cut. I am currently in Seattle at his apartment, which has become my 2nd home. I have flat ironed my hair to get ready for a fancy Iftar dinner tonight, where I’ll be introducing him to my girlfriends that live here in Seattle.
Currently going through my mind…..Where is he? Shouldn’t he be back by now? Did he go meet up with some girl? He’s fasting, he wouldn’t do that. But what if he broke his fast to go meet up with another girl, but he just won’t tell me. What if he brings me back a surprise? No, he wouldn’t do that. Where could he be? Why wouldn’t he take me with him? He looked so good when he left too, like he was going somewhere important. Why didn’t he save those clothes for tonight. What if he breaks up with me? I’ll have to pack all my clothes out of here, like a walk of shame. What if he breaks up with me while I’m back home in Smallsvile? Will he ship me all my stuff. Doubtful. Why does he even love me? Does he love me? Maybe I am just a companion for now. Maybe I should just leave.
This is my fucking life. I could go on and on with all of these thoughts that race through my mind all damn day. It is a constant battle to shush these demons daily. I know it is not a reality, most of the time, If I can pull myself out of it in time, or something external happening (like him walking through the door with a perfect explanation), then I will not disappear into my own head, to the point my anxiety consumes me and I cry, then want to die.
Let me tell you about my boyfriend. Maybe if I describe all the reasons I love him and why he is so incredible, I can get this filthy shit out of my head for a while.
I stopped online dating like a long time ago. Thought dating in the work pool was a better idea, turns out, not so much! About a week before I moved to Smallsville I met my BF, via an online dating site. If I already wrote about this, in a previous post, I apologize. Just kidding I don’t, I don’t really care. Anywhoooo, I really just wanted to flirt with someone. We texted and decided to meet up at the mall, so we did. Then he invited me to his apartment, so I went. Prior to that we went out to lunch which was nice, he paid.
Arrived at his apartment, it’s nice here, children playing outside, it’s very clean. We went strait to his room. We kissed, hung out, rubbed all over eachother, etc. I gave him a blow-job, because I was on my period, and well, why not. I am not too humble or shy to say, I know how to give a good blow job, which is probably what’s had them all coming back over the years. TMI, I know……
I had a BF at the time, named Brix, I had been seeing off and on again over the past few months. The sex was AWEFUL, but he loved me, so I kept going back. I probably broke up with him like 4-5 different times. Each time he would just say, oh, it must have been your condition. Lol…Fuck. I cheated on him all the time. I cheated on ALL OF THEM, except one, my current BF.
So, after I moved, I broke up with Brix, and went about my business. I had a few little romances in the 1st week I was in Smallsville. One was a Jamaicain who fucked like, naked Dirty Dancing, and I came alllllll the time! OMG. He was good. The other was Zim who I had been talking to for a few weeks prior to moving. I knew both of these dudes were temporary, but in the meantime had still been texting with the who is now BF.
I had made plans with him to spend the weekend at his apartment in Seattle about 2 weeks after I moved. I still wasn’t so sure about this guy, but was like, okay, I’ll go. Well the night I was getting ready to leave, I tried to cancel on him, and he texted me back, “Don’t do this to me.”
Those words, those 5 words, Friday May 15th, 2016 @ 5:04pm, saved my life. I spent the weekend with him, had incredible sex, multiple times, went on fun little dates, and my tiny, cold, blackened, broken heart, sprouted a little yearling. Since then, I have been spending every other weekend with him. That yearling turned into a bud, that bud blossomed into a beautiful pink Dahlia, and my heart has almost completely shed all of its iron clad armor. I have not had any big urges to cheat, like I had in the past. Like, I am actually in love with him. He is trying to understand my BPD, but there is no way he’ll ever be able to wrap his mind around it. Who can. Thankfully, right now we do live 3 hours apart, which slows down the process, and makes me be incredibley patient. I wanna be married now, living together, sharing our lives, but I know at this point in our lives, it’s just not possible.
A day in the life of us. Alarm goes off, the 1st thing I do is check my phone to see if he left me anything in the middle of the night. I get ready, then start my 8 minute commute to work. Every single day, on that commute, I leave him a voicemail, telling him about why lies ahead in my day, what the weather is like, if I’m getting coffee, but most importantly, I wish him well for his day and tell him how much I love him.
After he wakes, he does the same. My favorite is when he calls me baby girl, beautiful, or gorgeous in his greeting. We leave eachother anywhere between 3-9 voice messages a day between the 2 of us. Coupled with texts and pics. Sometimes we send some little quotes. It’s pretty adorable. Before we go to bed at night, if I have not fallen asleep (he works 3-11pm, I work 7:30-4:30pm), we video call eachother. We chat, and giggle, I get sleepy, and we say goodnight. It’s the only thing that makes this long distance relationship work. THANK YOU TECHNOLOGY! Never does a day go by, this little routine gets skipped.
I think at this point if something did happen, I would have a mental breakdown. Okay, I know I would. So here I sit in his apartment, waiting for him to get home. Wondering WTF is taking him so long. See, for like 45 minutes, I actually forgot about him being gone for so long. Fuck…….The thoughts return.
Then he came home, with juice for me. I am fine. All demons gone. He is laying next to me. Sleeping. I am happy. I am content. I am in love. Thank you to my team of Unicorns.