I am the fucking queen of destruction

Saturday I had written a blog post, and apparently I didn’t save it. As I write this I glance at my phone over 20 times looking for a text or a snapchat or a message of any kind from one of my lovers I’ve reached out to. 

I am mad at my BF because he didn’t give me the attention I was seeking this weekend, both physically and emotionally. Boom, just like that a message. Let’s see what it says and who it’s from;

“Can I pass by and see you.” -The Jamaican (in a voice message). 

Oh my god, the Jamaican is the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. Before I moved back here, My Gpa was passing, so I was here very other weekend. My girl was pushing me to go out to a club with her the night he actually passed away and I was like fuck it fine. I went. As soon as I walked by him, I knew he’d me mine. He’s fucking sexy and watching him dance on me, I knew he’d fuck just as good. We ended up in the back seat of my rental car, for like an hour. The next day I had bumps and bruises and it was amazing.  I was dating my ex BF at the time, I was cheating all over the place. I wanted more of him though. I fucking craved him and all the attention he gave me. 

Once I moved here, We had a 2nd rendezvous, and I swear, I wanted to die…….. I couldn’t get enough of him. The current BF, had started to get serious, so I let the Jamaican go. I shouldn’t even be thinking about fucking around with someone who is a non-Muslim, and has a baby mama he lives with, and is in a relationship with. So yeah, there’s that. I should leave well enough alone, but I can’t. I should stay serious and faithful to my BF, but I can’t. I am in full BPD destruction mode, and I am enjoying the high. 

PS, I fired my therapist because she is horrible. 

Side note; I’ve never not been in some kind of relationship. I jump from BF to BF, relationship to relationship, fuk buddy to fuck buddy……..I can NEVER be alone.

So, After I wasn’t getting enough attention this weekend, I set out to the menu, the Jamaican, and others I was able to pull forth from my old black book. (The menu = Online dating sites)

I did a few things I was not proud of, but WTF ever. That’s where I am t today. Really fucking anxious, self destructive, often with ideations, but I don’t want to stop. I know it’s wrong, I totally do……. I know I’m hurting people.

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