Anxiety Fucking Overload

I had a “To do” list today that I am working on. Usually that relieves my anxiety, but today, not so much. I am fucking anxious. I am supposed to be saving money but I have spent so frivously for so long, that I can’t seem to get caught up. 

Things causing me Anxiety:

  1. Not finishing my divorce papers. (My husband is moving, and I need to have everything wrapped up in 1 month from today, including the court appearance.) Fuck!
  2. Getting my fucking car fixed. 3 mechanics, countless hours and money spent, nobody seems to be able to figure out WTF is going on with it. 
  3. MONEY! I should not be broke, but I am, in my eyes. I had a certain amount of money to last me 2 weeks, and I blew through it all, so here I am 2 weeks out from payday, and I am already borrowing from that paycheck. This is the fucking struggle of my life.
  4. The Boyfriend. I am so fucking terrified of being discarded from him, I just want him to go away. But I love him. I AM SO FUCKING SCARED OF BEING HURT. This makes me want to cry just thinking about it. What if all the things he says to me are lies. What if his idea of love and my idea of love are different. He basically told me last night, and this morning, that my constant negativity is affecting him, and the way he feels about me. So, naturally I am like, I just need to fuckinng walk away from him. He’ll never be there for me in the way I want him to. He will never understand my BPD, he will never ever be part of team unicorn. BREATHE……….My anxiety around this is so fucking profound, I just wanna die. But I cannot die, my kids need me. They need for me to get my fucking shit together. I want this to all just go away. Life is really fucking hard. 
  5. I want to move my kids home up North right now. But I cannot. Because I need a reliable vehicle, and money to move.

BREATHE.

I have not prayed in a long time. I know this is exactly what I need to do. But, I cannot find the time within myself to do it. But it is the number one most important thing about being a Muslimah. I am proud of my religion, but have no energy to practice it. How fucked up is that. 

Are these guys at Les Schwab gunna fix my tire yet or what, been here over an hour.  
I’m tired. 

This weekend was my brothers 8 year anniversary of his suicide. 

The Jamaican keeps texting/calling me, I  accept. I like the attention. 

these random fucking thoughts. 

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